Crucial Conversations-ISBN 978-0-07-177132-0

1.       When stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions start to run strong, casual conversations transform into crucial ones.

2.       When faced with crucial conversations we can do one of the three things

a.       Avoid them

b.      Face them and handle them poorly

c.       Face them and handle them well.

3.       The fools choice

a.       Silence or violence

b.      Fight or flight

c.       Either/or

4.       The core of successful conversation lies in the “free flow of relevant information”. Create conditions in yourself and others to make dialog the path of least resistance.

a.       Start with the heart.

b.      Look for the elusive “AND”

c.       Process

                                                               i.      The only person you can directly control is yourself

                                                             ii.      Pay attention to your motives

                                                            iii.      What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?

                                                           iv.      What do I want for myself, for others, for the relationship?

                                                             v.      How would I behave if this is what I really wanted?

                                                           vi.      Watch to see if you are talking yourself into a fools choice

                                                          vii.      Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want and ask yoru brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialog.

5.       Learn to look for content and conditions

a.       Conditions: Safety

                                                               i.      Mutual purpose - the entrance condition

                                                             ii.      Mutual Respect – the continuance condition

                                                            iii.      Restore safety

1.       Apologize when appropriate

2.       Contrast (the don’t; the do)

3.       Create mutual purpose: step out of the content of the conflict and

a.       Commit to seek a mutual purpose- something that serves everyone

b.      Recognize the purpose behind the strategy-separate demands from the purpose it serves

c.       Invent a mutual purpose-invent a higher purpose

d.      Brainstorm new strategies-join forces and search for a solution that serves everyone

b.      Content

                                                               i.      Free flow of meaning

                                                             ii.      Facts

6.       The path to action

a.       See and hear-The FACTS

b.      Tell a story- Victim, villain, helpless (Clever stories)

c.       Feel-hurt, unsafe, angry, sad

d.      Act

7.       WHAT can I Do?

a.       State your facts- what did I observe

b.      Tell your story- conclusions and judgments

c.       Ask for others paths- their facts and stories.

d.      Talk tentatively- don’t disguise the story as a hard fact.

e.      Encourage testing- make it safe to share their facts and stories. Invite opposing views, mean your invitation, play devils advocate, do it until your motives become obvious.

8.       Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase or Prime

a.       Ask to get things rolling

b.      Mirror to confirm feelings

c.       Paraphrase to acknowledge the story

d.      Prime when you are getting nowhere- safety first. Agree- verbally Build- on incomplete information, Compare your paths when you differ.

9.       Move to action

a.       Decide how to decide-

                                                               i.      4 methods of decision making: command, consult, vote, consensus.

                                                             ii.      Who cares? Who knows? Who must agree? How many people is it worth involving?

b.      Make assignments

                                                               i.      Who? Does What? By When? How will you follow-up?

c.       Document your work and hold people accountable to their promises.